Adopting a baby, toddler or child is
a joyous event. Older siblings are usually excited to be
involved, and anxious to meet, greet and play with their new
sister or brother. What happens when post-institutional reality
counters with their vision of a dream sibling - and their new
brother or sister is a special needs toddler who needs vast
amounts of parental time and extra attention?
What happens is disappointment and
resentment, unless big brothers and sisters are prepared to help
the new sibling become ?one of the family?. Older siblings can
be incredibly understanding of an adoptee?s issues if they are
given information in advance, if they are encouraged to ask
questions, and if they are helped to role-play potential
interactions.
Your
child?s perspective
New children who are adopted from an institution may have no
concept of family, of what parents are supposed to do, or what
exactly siblings are for. Children adopted from a foster home
may enter a new family while grieving for their foster family ?
terribly - and rejecting everyone else in sight. Helping older
siblings view their family (and themselves) from the position
of the transplanted adoptee will give them a base for
patience and compassion when dealing with their new sister or
brother.
Older
siblings
If your older children were also adopted, watching a parent
teach the new child to love and trust may also create a better
understanding of their own babyhoods. Be prepared to talk about
what all babies need and why adoption happens. Listen to what
*isn?t* being said when your older child asks you questions, and
be sure to address underlying feelings. Planning for a special
needs adoption should include educating your existing children
about the new sib?s medical condition, and talking through your
children?s concerns.
Grandparents
Ask Grandparents and extended family to spend some extra time
with the older kids if the new child needs lots of your
immediate attention. Grandparents benefit from the same
information and preparation about adding a sibling that you gave
your sons and daughters. They likely won?t know about the extra
issues you will be dealing with if it?s their first special
needs adoption, too.
You
Adopting a child with acknowledged, or unexpected, special needs
may add a temporary strain to a family learning to make physical
and emotional room for the new child. Take care of yourself
while you are filling the needs of a busy, growing household;
you can't fill anyone else up if you are on empty!
If the stress of juggling the needs
of your new adoptee and the change in your family dynamics is
wearing you down, call a family meeting and involve everyone in
finding solutions. In a planned family meeting, everyone gets a
turn to express their feelings, to bring up needs, and to ask
for creative problem-solving. Sometimes just respectfully
listening to a family member express their difficulties is
helpful. A shift in the family structure, no matter how
positive, can still be stressful.
Don?t hesitate to get outside help
for anything you can afford to have done, so you can concentrate
on each of your children without experiencing total burnout. If
this is impossible, give yourself permission to let anything not
of primary importance, slide. Look upon facilitating the new
addition to the family, and learning to deal with specific
special needs, as a full-time job with a temporary ?intense?
career assignment!
The Team Family approach to special
needs adoption can work very well; it is extraordinary what big
sisters and brothers can do to help once they are informed about
special needs issues, understand what you are trying to
accomplish, and are given a clear-cut way to help. Expect some
bumps while siblings work out their new roles, and while
everyone adjusts to new responsibilities and demands. The end
goal is a happy, cohesive family, which contributions from
all family members have helped to build.
Excerpts from this article first
appeared in Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building
Connections, edited by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae, Ph.D. (EMK
Press 2006)
2008 Children's Hope International.
All rights reserved.