BLOG OF THE
MONTH:
Leda Perry of
California began thinking about adoption in 2003. When Leda
found her daughter on the November 2006 China
Waiting Child
list, she expected her husband to think she was being emotional,
thinking with her heart, not her head. His immediate response:
"That brings tears to my eyes. Let's go for it."
Follow along with
Leda’s journey to bring home one special girl—her daughter.
Flashback December
2003: Our desire to adopt...caught us by surprise.
Flashback Spring
2004: Good "Bad" Friday
Flashback Summer
2004 - Summer 2005: Navy craziness!
Present January 04,
2006 Ukraine suspends adoptions
March 27, 2006 - We
receive a LID for the Non-Special Needs China program,
requesting 0-18 months in age
September 13, 2006 -
Todd deploys on the USS BOXER for a 6 month deployment
Monday, November 13,
2006 Waiting Child - our daughter?
Present February
2007: Going to China, Bringing Back Kaylee
Leda
shared her happy travel approval news with her boys when they
came home from school. When she asked them to come outside to
the front porch to speak with them, son Taylor responded, "Are
we in trouble?!?"
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Flashback December 2003: Our desire to
adopt...caught us by surprise.
Although we had been talking about "trying again for the girl"
for almost 2 1/2 years, neither Todd or I were anxious to go
through the whole pregnancy & infant stage again. In fact, he
always jokes if babies were born age 2, we'd have a few more!
But, like many moms, I have always wanted a daughter.
I
don't have sisters, but share a wonderful friendship with my
mother, which I truly treasure. My mom had my two brothers
first, and then me, the baby, marking the arrival of the first
girl born to the Thomas side of the family in 65 years! Todd
also has just two brothers and two male cousins. So, not only
would we need some help from the doctor this time around to try
to conceive (that's another story in itself), but there was, of
course, no guarantee (and what seemed a slim chance to us) that
#3 would be a girl. That's when we started talking about
adoption.
With the internet, all the information seemed to be just a
keystroke away. Domestic adoption was ruled out right away, due
to the fact that we already have two biological sons and also
because we are a military family -- two things that typically
aren't favorable to domestic birthmoms. So, we quickly focused
in on international adoption. What we found was amazing. There
are tons of international children in orphanages that need
parents, but it was all so overwhelming!
What country? Which agency or facilitator? Where to start?
We reached out to others we found in the adoption community and
asked them (and ourselves) questions like, "Is it really
possible we could love an adopted child as much as our
biological sons?" and "Are we (including our boys and our
families) going to be able to make the adjustment - to accept an
orphan as a part of our family?" and finally, "Is this something
we can really afford?" And although the answer didn't come
overnight, we believe the answer to all those questions is
“Yes.”
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Flashback Spring 2004: Good
"Bad" Friday
Ok, so you read
my story and my dilemma of getting started on the paperwork.
What I didn't mention was that I had found out my mom was sick,
very sick (cervical cancer) during that same time. I had visited
her in January with my boys; at the time we thought she was
getting better. Unfortunately, the day after we got there, she
was admitted to the hospital and remained there for quite some
time. They had found another tumor and performed emergency
surgery. I hated leaving her while she was still in the
hospital. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever
done. When I asked her if she wanted me to stay longer, or leave
and come back when she was back home, she replied, "Baby, I
never want you to leave." My mom never called me "Baby" and this
alone brought me immediately to tears.
I continuously
contemplated during that time about telling my Mom we planned to
adopt a little girl. Todd encouraged me to share the news with
her, but something caused me to hold out. On one hand, I knew
she would be happy for me - she was a lifetime advocate for
children. But, at the same time, anyone who knew my mom, knew
that she was a "worrier" - especially when it came to her kids.
And although I really wanted her to know I would have a
daughter, I didn't want her to worry about it (and the
adoption/adjustment for the boys) while she was so sick, and
what I came to face, while she was dying.
When I returned
home, I immediately called our social worker and let her know I
just couldn't ride both of these emotional roller coasters at
once...we were putting the adoption on hold - which I knew would
end up being a long hold - Todd was preparing to deploy for 6
months on the USS COMSTOCK in the spring.
I did make one
more trip back to Florida after that...it was, of course, a
really emotional trip...my Mom had pretty much accepted that she
was dying...Mom couldn't do much, but I laid in bed with her,
and we watched television together and talked. It brought back
childhood memories of occasional lazy Sunday afternoons when we
used to watch movies together instead of going out.
I felt in my
heart when I left it was the last time I would see her. But, I
had turned the corner from not wanting to let her go, to not
wanting her to be in pain any longer, because she was suffering
chronic pain. Over the next days, I talked to mom on the phone
every day, but each day her voice seemed to get weaker and the
drugs to control her pain were taking over. It was so difficult
to be so far away. So, I knew exactly why my phone was ringing
early on April 9th -supposedly "Good Friday." Wally was calling
to tell me she had died, just hours after she was admitted to
the hospice. We believe she didn't want to die at home.
One amazing
thing happened that day that I have to add, Todd's ship was out
to sea doing a training exercise and wasn't due back for a few
days. Strangely enough, his ship came in early - which almost
never happens - and he was able to come home and be with me and
the boys the day she died. I believe Mom took care of that
somehow...she didn't want me to be alone out here in
California...she knew I would be heartbroken.
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Flashback Summer
2004 - Summer 2005: Navy craziness!
Todd deployed just days after my mom died, so (not wanting to be
alone out here in California) as soon as school let out, the
boys and I moved back East. We were thinking Todd would transfer
to a new shore tour job in January of 2005 (soon after the ship
was due to return from deployment in December). We decided to go
wait for him in Roanoke, because we all LOVE it there (and wish
we never had to leave), and then, when he returned from
deployment, we would buy a house near his new job—a nice big
house to fit another child.
Wouldn't
you know it the ship returned early?!?! - in October? I can't
say it ever happened before on a major deployment, but since we
moved across country, it did. We didn't let it dampen our
spirits though, he flew back East, we found an awesome house
that we loved in Carrollton, Virginia, moved & unpacked again,
got the kids settled in school...and waited for his
December/January arrival. We were convinced 2005 was going to be
our year. We started talking about having another biological
child, only we later found it wasn't meant to be.
Todd's command never let him go due to unforeseen circumstances
and his job was extended in California for a full year. The boys
and I were living on the East Coast...if we stayed there, we
would end up being separated almost two full years at the end of
it all...it was too much, too long, too hard. So, in April, we
stuck a for sale sign in the yard of our brand, new house -- and
just two short weeks later, we had a full price offer.
We were sad about the house and moving again, but looking
forward to being reunited as a family. The Navy came and packed
us out (again) in June and we headed back to California. We
moved into a house directly across the street from the house we
lived in just one year ago—same neighbors, same school,
same friends. Everyone thought we were crazy.
So, after a bit it was time to
start thinking about the baby again. But, it didn't take long or
many doctor visits until we realized we would have to have In
vitro fertilisation to conceive again, and though we seriously
considered it, we later decided we wanted to move forward. One
day Todd and I looked at each other (after being scheduled to
have a hysteroscopy, reviewing all the costs, shots, medicines,
tests, and procedures to have IVF) and said, "Why are we doing
this? Let's go back to our original plan -- Let's adopt a little
girl."
Back to Top
Present January 04,
2006 Ukraine suspends adoptions
We found out
that Ukraine suspended adoptions in the fall of 2005 from U.S.
citizens at this time. We did a lot of research, talked to other
families, agencies, and our social worker, and decided that we
wanted to switch to a China program. We are using Children's
Hope International as our placement agency, and so far they have
been a pleasure to deal with.
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March 27, 2006 - We
receive a LID for the Non-Special Needs China program,
requesting 0-18 months in age
Back to Top
September 13, 2006
- Todd deploys on the USS BOXER for a 6 month deployment
Back to Top
Monday, November 13, 2006
Waiting Child - our daughter?
Well, the new waiting children list came and was posted by
Children’s Hope on Friday. I had looked at the March list and
the July list, and just didn't see any of little faces as our
daughter. But for some reason, I had a feeling this list might
be different. I had a feeling my daughter might just be on this
list.
So, this time I looked at the list and I
saw several little faces smiling that I would consider
requesting their file. But there was one that just grabbed me. I
couldn't believe it. I emailed Todd. I knew immediately I wanted
to request her file - she had the same special need that my
oldest son Taylor was born with, 3
hemangiomas. The one on her head
looked almost identical to his!!! I copied the pictures to my
computer and looked at her ALL weekend - wondering, thinking –
“Are you Kaylee??”
Knowing the link to request wouldn't be put up until 8 a.m. West
Coast Time was like torture. I spent all weekend wondering,
“With over 600 families LID and waiting from our agency, how
will I ever be the first one in line to request her file?” I
silently prayed to my mom, if this was meant to be, and if she
could do anything to help me, to let me be first in queue for
her file. (Now you may think I'm crazy, but I've had other
things happen since she died that I am convinced she had
something to do with!)
Then I realized I had another major problem. My son was leaving
for the week-long, much-anticipated, 6th grade camp and had to
be at school at 7:45. So, I had only 15 minutes to get home and
in from of the computer. There was no way. So, I rush to school
and made his teacher swear that they weren't leaving until after
9 so I could come back and say goodbye. I threw his suitcases in
giant pile...and rushed home to the computer.
When 8 o'clock came I nervously searched for the link, my
fingers were mistyping everything, I zapped it in, but I kept
getting WEB BUSY, TRY AGAIN. My heart sank. I typed it again,
zapped again...same error. I looked at the clock knowing every
minute that went by, the less chance I had of reviewing her
file.
I started to get ready for work...and just I was walking out the
door the phone started ringing. My mind was racing, and I ran to
the phone...It was Pam letting me know I was FIRST in queue to
view the file of Little Miss 4xx. I was literally shaking, and
tears were welling up. Not only because I knew in my heart this
was likely our little girl, but because I felt my mom all around
me helping me.
Note: One thing I'll never forget is that Todd was VERY
nervous about switching to the SN program. I took a leap of
faith and emailed Todd and told him exactly what I was feeling
in my heart...
This is part of what I wrote:
"I prayed to my mom this weekend that if it was meant to be, if
she could do anything to help me, to let me be first in queue
for her file. I know it sounds silly, but I did, and then
Monday, despite all of the craziness of the morning, we were
still first for her file. Pam said there was a long, long line
of form requests for her file (some had up to 50 requests), our
request was first. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just
think this is her. I think this is Kaylee."
I expected him to email back that I was being emotional,
thinking with my heart, not my head, but I was wrong. He must
have been online, because he sent this back immediately, "That
brings tears to my eyes.
Let's go for it :)"
The next morning I accepted the referral of Liu Jing Tao.
Back to Top
Present
February 2007: Going to China, Bringing Back Kaylee
First of all, it
is nerve wracking trying to finish your paperwork for travel
while your husband is deployed. Children’s Hope was wonderful
here in the states, but I was worried what it would be like
actually in China.
I can honestly
say I never had to worry about one single thing. They took care
of me every step of the way!! The guides were outstanding and
you could see that adoption was truly in their hearts. I can't
imagine choosing any other agency if we ever chose to adopt
again now that I have been through the process with Children’s
Hope.
My 8-year-old
son Austin really wanted to go to China with me. In my heart I
thought it would be easier without him, but I agreed to let him
come if his Dad was still deployed. Now, after going through it,
I don't know how I would have done it without him!
He was such a
HUGE help; he was grabbing the diaper bag, fastening my Ergo
carrier, taking the computer out for security, grabbing luggage
carts, entertaining Kaylee while I was doing paperwork, carrying
bags, getting snacks for his sister, the list goes on and on! He
never complained, not one single time. He wasn't just along for
the ride, he wanted to experience it, to learn all he
could—simply amazing for an 8-year-old.
Before I left my
husband said to me, "I want you to enjoy every minute of this
trip, I mean, every single minute!" and I took that to heart.
During my trip, my blog was my connection to my husband and my
12-year-old son who chose not to come. I included every detail I
could, sometimes even falling asleep at the computer, because I
wanted them to feel and experience this trip along with me.
Gotcha Day. How
many emotions can you experience in one day? I was shocked at
how calm Kaylee was. After reading yahoo groups for about a
year, I expected the worst, but got the best. Austin was so
emotional, so caught up in the moment, he was sobbing. My heart
melted at his sensitivity. I kept whispering to him it was ok,
be brave, he might scare her. She was smiling and laughing, and
immediately took to Austin. Looking at her, I felt happy and
relieved.
She was there -
and now I HAD her!
Adoption day was
probably the most emotional day for me. The foster family had
sent so many gifts with Jingtao, and other evidence of how much
she was loved. Trying to say thank you to orphanage
representatives and express my gratitude for the wonderful
foster family she had, I got choked up...and they were so kind
and so receiving of my emotions that it really touched me. I
promise you they took almost as many pictures as me or more
(which is a ton).
Looking
back, I can hardly imagine that we once wondered if we could
love a child as much as we do our biological sons. Going through
the special needs program, I felt connected to Kaylee and love
for her immediately. And I look at her now, this precious gift
in which I had nothing to do with her birth—I can't imagine, how
anyone ever, ever could have given her up. Austin keeps saying,
"Isn't she beautiful, Mom? I just love her!" Taylor is smitten
as well, and I know Todd will feel the same way.
Along the way,
Kaylee has had her rough moments, but I don't dwell on them. I
can't imagine what her little mind is thinking. I know she must
miss her foster family terribly, as she shows me exactly who
they are in the photo album they sent—and yes she calls them,
Mama and Baba. But, we are adjusting to each other, and I feel
so lucky each day I get to know her a little more.
My husband,
Todd, is always supportive of me. We have known each other since
we were in middle school. This adoption journey was never part
of our life plan, but he took the leap of faith with me to make
my dream of having a daughter come true—and for that I will be
forever grateful to him.
He has been
extended on his deployment in the Arabian Gulf due to the troop
surge in Iraq, but I know we are going to have an amazing
Homecoming when his ship comes back in June. I can't wait to see
his face when her smile touches him for the first time.
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