There are many emotions involved
in adopting internationally. Jodean Brannon writes on hers
on her blog,
www.journeytomiles.blogspot.com, while she waits to
adopt her future son Miles from Vietnam. She and her husband
Stephen live in Springdale, Arkansas.
There are days when I couldn't be
happier, when my thoughts are on my son:
What it will be like to share all of
this love in my heart with my child,
what it will be like to hold him for the first time,
what it will be like to comfort him when he cries and rejoice
with him when he is happy,
what it will be like to laugh and play and be a family together.
On these days, I truly believe that
adoption is a good thing, bringing together mommas, daddies and
kids who all need each other, giving them the chance at a loving
family?a chance that so many in this world will never get. And
that is a good thing, an amazing thing. On these days, I'll
admit, it is hard to think about the pain on the other side of
this adoption thing.
And then there are those other
days?the ones when I wake up and my heart aches inside me. Or
the nights when I lay in bed awake for hours, questioning
everything I ever thought I knew and believed about adoption,
the world, God, myself. I wonder if I am doing the right things.
I am doing everything I know to make
sure my adoption is ethical, but what if I miss something? I
wonder if I will be a good mother. I wonder if I will be able to
help my son navigate through the pain and loss that adoption
brings, or if I will let him down. And I wonder about another
mother on the other side of the world. Even on those happy days,
she is there. It would be so much easier if I didn't think of
her, but I have to; my son needs me to. And really think I need
to for myself as well. My life and hers will forever be bound
together through our son.
When I think of her, I am shaken to
the core. I can't help but think of my little sis, who as a
single mom could easily have been in a similar situation had she
not been surrounded by supportive family with sufficient
resources. I mean really easily?I know it crossed her mind. And
it kills me. When I see my sis with her kids, I am amazed by her
strength and determination. It's not easy for any of them, and
they may not have much but each other, but I can't imagine a
better life for them. She lives for those kiddos.
I don't even know if my child has
been born yet, but what if he has, and his mother was given the
same support my sis has? What if she were given the resources
she needed to raise her child? Would she make a different
choice? There are details I just don't know and may never know.
Can I live with that? What if she was coerced or bribed?
Pressured by family or friends or strangers who were constantly
reminding her how difficult her life would be if she decided to
raise him? On these days it is hard to see the good in adoption.
On these days, it tears apart families and identities, it breaks
hearts, and it leaves families and children vulnerable to
corruption which unfortunately is ever-present in this world we
are living in.
And so, back and forth I go from one
extreme emotion to the other. Every once in a while, it almost
feels like I can grasp it for a moment?that maybe adoption in
and of itself is neither good nor bad, and yet at the same time
it is both. Maybe like most things in life, it isn't all black
or white, right or wrong, but instead a complex and dynamic
shade of gray somewhere in the middle. Maybe in adoption, as in
life, the good and the bad, the joy and the pain must co-exist.
That doesn't mean they should cancel out or lessen one
another... Maybe you can feel two emotions simultaneously (or
three, or four!), and that's okay. Maybe it just means that we
are complex human beings caught up in a complicated situation...
I can almost grasp it for a moment,
and then the moment is gone and I'm feeling caught on one side
or the other again. It is so hard to trust God sometimes, but I
am trying. I really am! I spent this weekend at a Women's
Conference and listened to the speaker tell about her son who
survived a horrible bus accident that left 26 others dead. For a
long time she struggled with the question of why he survived
when so many others didn't. I was on the edge of my seat. I kept
waiting for her to share some sort of deep revelation, something
that would help me answer the similar questions that I have been
facing regarding my child and his mother. Why do they have to
lose one another? Why does my joy have to come as a result of
someone else?s pain? Why does it have to happen this way?
Instead, this woman admitted that almost twenty years later, she
is no closer to understanding than the day she received the call
about the accident. But she has found peace, and in that I find
hope.
Psalms 46:10 says, "Be still, and
know that I am God." It is so hard to do at times! But I am
slowly learning I don't have to always have all of the answers;
I just have to trust His grace. It would be so much easier if we
could see the big picture, if we could see what is at the other
end of this journey. Maybe then everything would make sense.
Until then, I guess that we all must just strive to be a little
less of the problem and more of the solution, in whatever way we
can. That is really what it all comes down to?doing the best
that we can. And when we have done all that we can, we must let
go and trust Him.
As for the part that I can do, I
have come away from the conference with a strong sense of
calling to work with and encourage single mothers as they raise
their children. I'm not exactly sure what that means yet, and
I'm not quite sure where to start, but I know that this is an
area where I really can do something. I know there are many
women out there who, like my sis, just need a little bit of
support. Who knows where God will lead me with this, but I am
excited to find out!
If you would like to share your
thoughts, experiences or stories about your adoption,
email: Jennifer Newcomb at
Jennifer.Newcomb@ChildrensHope.net
We would love to post your family
pictures.
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